A Death Before Death, that’s what it felt like. A life where pain breathes louder than memories, and silence speaks louder than screams. What happened to me changed my path and the person I used to be.
My story is endless, so is my pain
All my senses have gone in vain
Listening to my story causes you goosebumps
Nobody was there to grant me justice, even in lumps
I fought alone. Alone, I suffered
No words left on my woven lips to utter
Even now, when I think about that pain, I almost shudder.
Destiny played such a cruel game with me. Wasn’t I too young for that savagery? I cried, I screamed, I sobbed, but no one was there to hear me, to help me. I didn’t know why he left me alive there, I wanted to be killed at once.
“He left me Alive with this never-ending Death.”
It’s been 1 year since I fought that misery in my life, but it still makes me frightened with sleepless nights.
1 year ago,
The Day My Life Changed: A Death Before Death
10th April 2020
“Hey, how was your day?”
A voice came rolling to my ears from behind. Hi! I’m just thriving, I replied. I was not much into a conversation with my fellow mates. I moved forward and waved my hand to him without carrying on the conversation. Isn’t that sound weird? Yes, it is, but this is who I am, an extra odd, awful introvert.
Anyways, that day, I was late for my college, so I started rushing to my home, as it was already 8 pm. I didn’t know why that night was captivating, I was walking alone, calmly with all the darkness around, I gotta bit terrified by that picture of night, an extra dark portrait of some horrible shadows was chasing me at every step.
I lost all my senses and started running, carrying a whole lot of my nerves. Suddenly, one shadow from that portrait tore apart, I shivered, then one more, and frequently all the shadows secluded, and that was the time I stopped from my never-ending race. Their eyes were dark, although I was not able to see their faces properly because of the flashlight they were focusing on me.
I didn’t know why they were devouring me with their eyes. I was quite dead, my legs got numb, and my heart thumped as if I were no more.
A Friendly Face or a Dangerous Illusion?
One boy among them began to move towards me. I shifted myself back, but I couldn’t make it up. He held my hand and asked, you okay? And then I realized they were my fellow mates, Finally, I breathed in. You got me scared, man, I said. He chuckled.
He asked me if he could drop me at home, and I was so terrified that I wasn’t able to deny his company, as that night was darker than normal. I sat back on his bike, and he dropped me home safely. But does that mean the story is finished? No, not yet.
He and I started hanging out daily, we used to study together, and we memorized the laws together, as we both were studying law. One day he asked me to come over to his house, as I trust him a lot, so without thinking twice, I joined him at his house.
The Night He Took My Voice Away
We were having a lot of fun together until he touched me, and I denied it as I didn’t want that he was a good friend of mine, I never wanted anything but to be friends with him, he forced me, I said no, but he wouldn’t stop, I got froze up. He tacked me against my bedroom wall, and I kept telling him no.
He was much stronger than I was, and locked my bedroom door and wouldn’t let me leave. I told him I didn’t want to get hurt, but he said nothing. He then pushed me back to the bed and pinned me down, and I kept telling him no. He acted as though he didn’t hear me, nor did he care.
Eventually, I froze up. I didn’t cry, I did nothing. He even almost choked me, but he stopped after he realized I struggled to breathe. He even apologized for almost choking me. Afterwards, he acted as if nothing had happened, but I was still in shock. I skipped college lectures because I wasn’t feeling normal. Struggling to process what had happened, I remained in shock. Conversations became difficult, and I barely spoke to anyone.
I never made friends with anyone, but the day I met him, I started trusting him as a friend. Maybe I could love him someday, but how he forced me made me realize that I had made the worst mistake of my life. I want to die, but to be killed was not in my hands; I was dying daily with a living soul inside me.
One Year Later: Stronger, Not Silent
20th April 2021,
Today
I’m sitting in my cabin, thinking about that day with soaked eyes, although I wasn’t crying, as I was tired of sobbing and wasting my tears, and yes today I’m so proud of myself that I haven’t ended my life after, as I was not the criminal, so why would I suffer. He molested me, so he needs to suffer.
Today, I feel so proud that I’m in a position where I can help others who are suffering from these pains with their lips stitched.
Today I’ve got a case about a gay who got raped by some of his friends. Yeah, it’s true, not only girls who suffer, many boys, transgenders, and even gays and lesbians suffer. I’m so disturbed today after hearing about this case. You won’t believe the person (gay) who filed the case was the person who molested me a year ago, yes! I was shocked to see him, he was not able to make eye contact with me and then I realized that he turned out to be gay and got raped by some of his friends.
A Death Before Death: Why I Choose to Speak Up Today
You know I wasn’t feeling so glad to hear that, but I realized that nobody knows where their destiny could take them and if they have done something wrong to others, without regretting they’ll face it for sure. Not at that certain point of time, but someday somehow they are going to suffer… This is the truth I’ve come to understand through my journey in A Death Before Death. Yes! Karma is true.
The Psychological Impact: A Death Before Death
The psychological impact of trauma runs deep, especially when it comes to a real-life sexual assault story like mine. As an introvert, my introvert trauma experience made it even harder to open up and seek help. This survivor’s story of abuse reflects not only the physical violation but the profound emotional scars that follow.
Healing after betrayal is a complex, painful journey one that I share in this rape awareness blog post from a survivor’s perspective on abuse. It is essential to tell a real story on sexual violence to break the silence and stigma surrounding such incidents.
The path to healing from sexual trauma is fraught with challenges, but acknowledging the pain and seeking justice restores hope. This is more than just a karma and justice story, it’s a form of storytelling with emotions, a voice rising from silence. And if you’re someone who has survived and is ready to speak, I urge you: submit your story, because every voice matters in creating awareness and change.
Know My Name by Chanel Miller
Know My Name by Chanel Miller is a powerful memoir of survival, resilience, and justice. Following her sexual assault at Stanford University and the shocking light sentencing of her attacker, Chanel’s courageous story exposes the flaws of the criminal justice system and patriarchal culture. Her heartfelt narrative shines with strength and hope, making it a must-read for those seeking inspiration, healing, and awareness about sexual assault survivors and trauma recovery.
