A Death Before Death

My story is endless, so as my pain

All my senses have gone in vain

Listening to my story cause you goosebumps

Nobody was there to grant me justice, even in lumps

I fought alone. Alone, I suffered

No words left on my woven lips to utter

Even now when I think about that pain, I almost shudder.

Destiny played such a cruel game with me, Wasn’t I too young for that savagery? I cried I screamed, I sobbed, but no one was there to hear me, to help me. I didn’t know why he left me alive there, I wanted to be killed at once. 

“He left me Alive with this neverending Death”

It’s been 1 yr since I fought that misery in my life, but it still makes me frightened with sleepless nights.

1 year ago,  

10th April 2020

Hey, how was your day? A voice came rolling to my ears from behind. Hi! I’m just thriving, I replied. I was not much into a conversation with my fellow mates. I moved forth and waved my hand to him without carrying on the conversation, Isn’t that sound weird? Yes, it is but this is who I’m, an extra odd awful introvert. Anyways, that day, I was late for my college so, I started rushing to my home, as it was already 8 pm. I didn’t know why that night was captivating, I was walking alone, calmly with all the darkness around, I gotta bit terrified by that picture of night, an extra dark portrait of some horrible shadows was chasing me at every step. I lost all my senses and started running, carrying a whole of my nerves, Suddenly, one shadow from that portrait tore apart, I shivered, then one more and frequently all the shadows secluded and that was the time I stopped from my neverending race. Their eyes were dark, although I was not able to see their faces properly because of the flashlight they were focusing on me. 

I didn’t know why they were devouring me with their eyes, I was quite dead, my legs got numb, and my heart thumped as if I were no more. One boy among them began to move towards me I shifted myself back, but I can’t make it up. He hold my hand and asked, you okay? And then I realized they were my fellow mates, Finally, I breathed in. You got me, scared man, I said. He chuckled. 

He asked me if he could drop me at home, and I was so terrified that I wasn’t able to deny his company, as that night was darker than normal. I sat back on his bike and he dropped me home safely. But does that mean, the story is finished? No, not yet.

He and I started hanging out daily, we used to study together, and we memorize the laws together as we both were studying law. One day he asked me to come over to his house, as I trust him a lot, so without thinking twice I joined him at his house. We were having a lot of fun together until he touched me, and I denied it as I didn’t want that he was a good friend of mine, I never wanted anything but to be friends with him, he forced me, I said no, but he wouldn’t stop, I got froze up. He tacked me against my bedroom wall and I kept telling him no. He was much stronger than I was. He locked my bedroom door and wouldn’t let me leave. I told him I didn’t want to get hurt but he said nothing. He then pushed me back to the bed and pinned me down and I kept telling him no. He acted as though he didn’t hear me nor did he care. Eventually, I froze up. I didn’t cry, I did nothing. He even almost choked me but he did stop after he realized I struggled to breathe. He even apologized for almost choking me. Afterwards, he acted as if nothing happened, but I was still in shock, I skipped college lectures because I wasn’t normal. I can’t come up with whatever happened to me. I was in shock, I barely talk to anyone. 

I never made friends with anyone, but the day I met him, I started trusting him as a friend, maybe I could love him someday, but the way he forced me, made me realize that I did the worst mistake of my life. I want to die, but to be killed was not in my hands, I was dying daily with a living soul inside me. 


20th April 2021

I’m sitting in my cabin, thinking about that day with soaked eyes, although I wasn’t crying, as I was tired of sobbing and wasting my tears, and yes today I’m so proud of myself that I haven’t ended my life after, as I was not the criminal, so why would I suffer. He molested me, so, he needs to be suffered. 

Today, I feel so proud that I’m in a position where I can help others who are suffering from these pains with their lips stitched. 

Today I’ve got a case about a gay who got raped by some of his friends. Yeah, it’s true, not only girls who suffer, many boys, transgenders, and even gays and lesbians suffer. I’m so disturbed today after hearing about this case. You won’t believe the person (gay) who filed the case was the person who molested me a year ago, yes! I was shocked to see him, he was not able to make eye contact with me and then I realized that he turned out to be gay and got raped by some of his friends. You know I wasn’t feeling so glad to hear that, but I realized that nobody knows where their destiny could take them and if they have done something wrong to others, without regretting they’ll face it for sure, not at that certain point of time, but someday somehow they are going to suffer… Yes! Karma is true.

Full of Truth in each word / Extraordinary Story / Written by Urooma Niyaz

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